The Sum of the Parts

Tonight's the last night. Tomorrow is the last morning. Our last Emmy class is over. Our last Craig class is over.

I'm having a rough, rough day. I didn't want to end Yoga School like this. I wanted to end strong, clear, focused and shining. Instead, I'm depressed, exhausted - everything hurts. I feel so clouded. I feel like I haven't changed very much at all, like I've learned nothing. I know, intellectually, that this isn't true, but I just feel broken.

Bikram taught us the very last thing tonight - a breathing technique that is very, very powerful and potentially dangerous. He made us raise our right hands and swear that we would not practice this breathing for more than ten minutes at a time for the first six months that we practice it, and requested (less dramatically) that we not try to teach it to others. He then led us, with the lights off and our eyes closed - all two hundred and twenty (plus guests) of us in about twenty minutes of the breathing. He demonstrated first, and it was weird - he's pretty hyperactive normally, but for the demonstration he became totally, rock-solid, completely still. He reminded me suddenly of Amrit Desai, and I was reminded that he really is a guru, that it's not all just personality and charm. Then he had us follow along with him. It was SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING. I just couldn't do it. I have such tight hips that I can't sit with my legs folded and spine straight without intense pain, and it was just too strong to ignore. I have to use my abs to fight with my hips to keep me up, and as such my breathing was totally compromised and I just got nowhere. I kept feeling more and more like I have learned nothing, like I'm exactly as inflexible and manic as I was when I got here. Then afterwards people described how overcome and uplifted they were as the experience took hold of them, and I felt like I didn't even belong there. There were a few very quick moments during the breathing when I felt like I had grasped the idea, and could continue to practice it on my own, which I intend to do, so at least it wasn't totally wasted.

Craig's class this evening was fun. I didn't win the Awkward 2 contest - not by a long shot (lost my balance, rather than running out of strength, at about 1:20), but the guy who DID win came in with the new teacher training record of 3:02. HE HELD AWKWARD TWO FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES. I'm so impressed - he's a really cool guy too, very understated and quiet, and he was totally still and not shaking at all. Just a rock. He had a rough remainder of the class, though... As with my last few classes, I just felt heavy, full of pain, weak, and mentally worse off than I was when I got here. There's so much noise in my head - so much more than a few weeks ago, and all of it related to panic and heat and self criticism. I know that it's on its way out - hence the surge of it. The Indian Summer of my Discontent, or something like that. I had to move my mat closer to the door after the standing series, which was done as a full sprint. Seriously, Craig took maybe one breath between saying "Change" and saying "Second Set". Like the amount of time you'd spend between two sentences. I was just in awe that the class survived it. I was disappointed in myself for not being stronger or more proud, and then for moving my mat - but I find that once my heart rate goes above a certain point, no amount of breathing can seem to calm me back down. Stupid sympathetic nervous system!!! Stupid fight or flight response!!!. I'm being really hard on myself, which I think is just a result of being so tired.

Planning the graduation party is stressful. It's the same stress I feel before every party, like the Hell Party we threw after King Kong, or the Ice Ball before that - and it always works out in the end, but I think coupled with my exhaustion, it's just more stress than I can take. I'm so worried that people won't have a good time, that nobody will come, that we'll be so far from breaking even that it'll sting, that I'll be a shitty DJ, that the lights won't be enough, that it'll be too cold, that there's not enough things to sit on, that people won't enjoy an outdoor party... (and so on). And Lora's doing far more work than I am! Plus, she's doing triple classes a day! People were talking a lot today in ways that made me feel like throwing this party was a mistake - there was just this cloud of unenthusiasm that made me feel like I misjudged the group and what they'd enjoy, and that I was too presumptuous or too arrogant about planning it. But - I suppose, applying Kris Ardent's worse-case scenario approach - what's the worst case? It rains, nobody shows up, those who spent money lose a few hundred or thousand dollars each, I spin a shitty set, the yogis who do show up decide they hate my DJing and then, by extension, me... None of this is a big deal!! REALLY! Jesus. Let it go. (Still figuring out how to do that, actually).

Please just let tomorrow feel like there's some closure. that's all I really want. To feel a bit complete, or at least like one phase has completed.