Actual conversation snippets floating up around me.
"I'm pretty sure there's a war brewing between yogis and robots. But the yogis are totally gonna win, because, um - you know, we can like, regenerate and shit, and the robots will have to get repaired or they'll like break."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's a post-apocalyptic nightmare world coming soon, so the faster we can get on top of our robot skills, the sooner."
"Dude, as long as there's asymmetrical haircuts and dune-buggies, I'll be happy with it. Bring on the oversized sunglasses."
"So wait, did you say you're going to SRF or to SRL tomorrow? What's SRF? Oh dude - that's the Self Realization Fellowship. Oh. I thought you said SRL. The Survival Research Labs... you know, giant robots killing each other. They're really not the same. No, not really..."
Wow.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Pride and Rest and Cold, Cool Water
6 days. 11 yoga classes, more than half of which were harder than any I've taken before. I feel so proud of myself and of everyone for making it through this whole week. Certain that subsequent weeks will be okay, though painful. And for the next day and a half, a bit of (sorta) rest! Hoot!!!
Friday, April 21, 2006
War weary.
People in the yoga studio seem a bit haunted today - lots of dark eyes, pale skin, skinny, skinny bodies. I feel strangely unaffected. I feel a lot of changes in my mind and my calm, and I feel my positivity growing by the day, but my body seems totally unchanging. But people around me seem to be shrinking a lot - and not always in a good way.
Rajashree taught class this morning, and I had to place my mat directly in front of her because I asked her yesterday about my misaligned hips. I have been increasingly worried that I'm not even getting to first base with a lot of poses because my hips are so tight and lopsided. Alas, my delusions of being a misfit were shattered when Rajashree said that I had "excellent form" and that "nothing was wrong with me". I just have tight hips. But in her pre-class mini lecture (just 10 minutes or so), she mentioned that this week was the end of the "ease in" and now they can really start to challenge us. I get a little pang of panic every time I hear that. But she also said that in the next two weeks there are going to be a lot of frustrations and emotions coming up, and people are going to get irritated and angry with each other, so we should be easy on each other.
After she said that, today it was like a BOMB went off. People are pissed off at Bikram, pissed off at Craig, pissed off at Doug, pissed off at each other. Lunch was medium snarky. Dinner was medium-well snarky. Our van ride home was a bit aggressive as well... I'm trying to say positive, but even I am irritated at a number of small things. May as well get these things out...
There's a guy in training who just doesn't seem to think that he has to actually do any work to reap any rewards for this. It's as though he thinks that he paid money for a certificate, and this whole "training thing" is just a formality that he can take or leave. He parks his car blocking other people in, shows up late for class, talks during class, sleeps during class... today he practiced diagonally from me in yoga and just drove me nuts. He breathed through his mouth, made grunting noises constantly - talked during the savasanas.. Bikram called him an "idiot". Emmy called him out during class the other day, Craig spoke to him the other day. Apparently today he got a bit shredded by the visiting teacher Dave. And for some reason, he's totally under my skin! Why do I care about this dude? I'm having a really positive experience, making tons of friends, getting really healthy... why am I attaching to this irritant for no reason? Gotta practice letting go of it... there's always going to be an irritant for me to be annoyed by. Let it go. YOU FUCKING MORON! Okay. There. Whew....
Tomorrow morning we have class at 7:30 am, which means we have to leave here at 6:30 am, which means we have to wake up at 6:00-ish.... SO I AM GOING TO SLEEP!
Rajashree taught class this morning, and I had to place my mat directly in front of her because I asked her yesterday about my misaligned hips. I have been increasingly worried that I'm not even getting to first base with a lot of poses because my hips are so tight and lopsided. Alas, my delusions of being a misfit were shattered when Rajashree said that I had "excellent form" and that "nothing was wrong with me". I just have tight hips. But in her pre-class mini lecture (just 10 minutes or so), she mentioned that this week was the end of the "ease in" and now they can really start to challenge us. I get a little pang of panic every time I hear that. But she also said that in the next two weeks there are going to be a lot of frustrations and emotions coming up, and people are going to get irritated and angry with each other, so we should be easy on each other.
After she said that, today it was like a BOMB went off. People are pissed off at Bikram, pissed off at Craig, pissed off at Doug, pissed off at each other. Lunch was medium snarky. Dinner was medium-well snarky. Our van ride home was a bit aggressive as well... I'm trying to say positive, but even I am irritated at a number of small things. May as well get these things out...
There's a guy in training who just doesn't seem to think that he has to actually do any work to reap any rewards for this. It's as though he thinks that he paid money for a certificate, and this whole "training thing" is just a formality that he can take or leave. He parks his car blocking other people in, shows up late for class, talks during class, sleeps during class... today he practiced diagonally from me in yoga and just drove me nuts. He breathed through his mouth, made grunting noises constantly - talked during the savasanas.. Bikram called him an "idiot". Emmy called him out during class the other day, Craig spoke to him the other day. Apparently today he got a bit shredded by the visiting teacher Dave. And for some reason, he's totally under my skin! Why do I care about this dude? I'm having a really positive experience, making tons of friends, getting really healthy... why am I attaching to this irritant for no reason? Gotta practice letting go of it... there's always going to be an irritant for me to be annoyed by. Let it go. YOU FUCKING MORON! Okay. There. Whew....
Tomorrow morning we have class at 7:30 am, which means we have to leave here at 6:30 am, which means we have to wake up at 6:00-ish.... SO I AM GOING TO SLEEP!
A day in the life.
7:00 am: Alarm goes off. "Canned Heat". Snooze. Again and again.
7:30 am: Get out of bed, panic because I've over slept. Run into kitchen, make Quaker instant oatmeal, put fresh fruit in it. Drink glass of orange juice. Try to do this fast, because yoga starts at 9:30am, don't want to be nauseous. Put food into tupperware containers for the whole day, as fast as I can. Run out of the apartment at 8:15am (when the van leaves). Run back to get the two or three things I forgot, get to the van by 8:20am.
8:20 am: Apologize to van mates for being late, AGAIN, and then either try to sleep or practice the yoga dialogue in the 45 minute car ride through hollywood to the bikram studio. Note to self. Good GOD we're all becoming yoga geeks.
9:00 am: Pull yoga mat off of drying lines outside studio, run into building as fast as possible to try to "reserve" a good spot in the room - close to the doors, far from the heaters. Yo soy pussweed. Sign in to the attendance sheets, lie on mat in the big yoga room while the room heats up, reading my little dialog book, trying to memorize. Maybe find a friend and ask them if they'll let me practice my dialog on them (they stand up in front of you, you lead them through the pose). Note, as I do every morning, that yoga people are SO RIDICULOUSLY HOT.
9:30 am: Morning yoga class. Remember to breathe. Remember to breathe. Why am I here? Why on earth have chosen THIS as a life path? Breathe, breathe.. GOD it's hot... Aw dude, get your foot off my head... oh, sorry miss! I didn't mean to put my foot on your head! I just want ONE GOOD POSTURE. My triangle's okay. Not great, but okay.
11:15 am: Lie in savasana, trying to reroute the energy systems to find strength to sit up. Welcome the cool air, gradually rediscover joy in being here. Get off floor at 11:30.
11:30 am: Lunch. Wait in microwave line for 20 minutes, reheat my AWESOME FOOD! (Thank you, Kris), sit down with fellow students - I try to sit with different people every day and meet at least two or three new people every day, so I don't end up falling into the comfort of a "club". Practice dialog. "Arms back, Look back, Fall back, Way back, Go back, MORE BACK!!! Come up and stop in the middle."
12:30 pm: Back to the big room - sit on the funny little floor chairs in the yoga room. Try to avoid giant sweat pools hiding in the floor. Posture Clinic!!!! Everybody gets in a queue (or a LINE, for you americans..) to go up and recite a pose of dialog. We're still in the beginning - basically, you get up with a microphone in front of the whole class and you've got four students lined up that you're going to direct through a posture (or part of a posture). The dialogue has to be memorized and delivered verbatim, with no improvisation. Furthermore, the primary focus is not on the exactness of the memorization, which we were supposed to have done before we got here, but rather on the delivery, in a very theatrical sense, of the lines. I chuckle to myself multiple times a day - I feel like I've become one of those drama kids in high school... I'm all streching all the time, wearing loose clothes, barefoot, hanging out in a mirrored room with a ballet bar, getting and giving advice on how to emphasize the words in a delivery. I am truly dissolving my concept of "me", because... I LIKE THIS. It's so much fun! I get to make big muscley bodies bend by saying WORDS!!! Tee hee. Little pee breaks here and there.
4:30 pm: Break to get ready for evening class. Run into the yoga room to reserve a decent spot. Run into men's bathroom, try not to laugh at the "naked guys standing around having a conversation while completely naked" thing.
5:00 pm: Evening class. Second verse, same as the first. Hot, hot hot.
7:00 pm: Dinner. Virtually identical to lunch, only colder outside.
8:30 pm: Either MORE posture clinics or Bikram lecturing. There's no way to describe a Bikram lecture. It's this chaotic, rambling, repetetive thing, and right when you feel like tuning out, he says something that seems poignant. In true yoga geek fashion, I've begun sitting right at the front, close to Bikram, so I don't have the opportunity to tune out. He notices it immediately. Also, work on sitting in indian style with a straight back.
11:00 pm or 12:00 pm or whatever: Back to the van! Drive home! Or, more precisely, be driven home. Lots of singing along in the van to the radio, or talking about the lecture or some such. Jibber jabber! So much post yoga energy!!!
1:30 am: Write blog entry, talk to Clodagh, wonder why I'm not tired.
Actually. Now I'm tired....
7:30 am: Get out of bed, panic because I've over slept. Run into kitchen, make Quaker instant oatmeal, put fresh fruit in it. Drink glass of orange juice. Try to do this fast, because yoga starts at 9:30am, don't want to be nauseous. Put food into tupperware containers for the whole day, as fast as I can. Run out of the apartment at 8:15am (when the van leaves). Run back to get the two or three things I forgot, get to the van by 8:20am.
8:20 am: Apologize to van mates for being late, AGAIN, and then either try to sleep or practice the yoga dialogue in the 45 minute car ride through hollywood to the bikram studio. Note to self. Good GOD we're all becoming yoga geeks.
9:00 am: Pull yoga mat off of drying lines outside studio, run into building as fast as possible to try to "reserve" a good spot in the room - close to the doors, far from the heaters. Yo soy pussweed. Sign in to the attendance sheets, lie on mat in the big yoga room while the room heats up, reading my little dialog book, trying to memorize. Maybe find a friend and ask them if they'll let me practice my dialog on them (they stand up in front of you, you lead them through the pose). Note, as I do every morning, that yoga people are SO RIDICULOUSLY HOT.
9:30 am: Morning yoga class. Remember to breathe. Remember to breathe. Why am I here? Why on earth have chosen THIS as a life path? Breathe, breathe.. GOD it's hot... Aw dude, get your foot off my head... oh, sorry miss! I didn't mean to put my foot on your head! I just want ONE GOOD POSTURE. My triangle's okay. Not great, but okay.
11:15 am: Lie in savasana, trying to reroute the energy systems to find strength to sit up. Welcome the cool air, gradually rediscover joy in being here. Get off floor at 11:30.
11:30 am: Lunch. Wait in microwave line for 20 minutes, reheat my AWESOME FOOD! (Thank you, Kris), sit down with fellow students - I try to sit with different people every day and meet at least two or three new people every day, so I don't end up falling into the comfort of a "club". Practice dialog. "Arms back, Look back, Fall back, Way back, Go back, MORE BACK!!! Come up and stop in the middle."
12:30 pm: Back to the big room - sit on the funny little floor chairs in the yoga room. Try to avoid giant sweat pools hiding in the floor. Posture Clinic!!!! Everybody gets in a queue (or a LINE, for you americans..) to go up and recite a pose of dialog. We're still in the beginning - basically, you get up with a microphone in front of the whole class and you've got four students lined up that you're going to direct through a posture (or part of a posture). The dialogue has to be memorized and delivered verbatim, with no improvisation. Furthermore, the primary focus is not on the exactness of the memorization, which we were supposed to have done before we got here, but rather on the delivery, in a very theatrical sense, of the lines. I chuckle to myself multiple times a day - I feel like I've become one of those drama kids in high school... I'm all streching all the time, wearing loose clothes, barefoot, hanging out in a mirrored room with a ballet bar, getting and giving advice on how to emphasize the words in a delivery. I am truly dissolving my concept of "me", because... I LIKE THIS. It's so much fun! I get to make big muscley bodies bend by saying WORDS!!! Tee hee. Little pee breaks here and there.
4:30 pm: Break to get ready for evening class. Run into the yoga room to reserve a decent spot. Run into men's bathroom, try not to laugh at the "naked guys standing around having a conversation while completely naked" thing.
5:00 pm: Evening class. Second verse, same as the first. Hot, hot hot.
7:00 pm: Dinner. Virtually identical to lunch, only colder outside.
8:30 pm: Either MORE posture clinics or Bikram lecturing. There's no way to describe a Bikram lecture. It's this chaotic, rambling, repetetive thing, and right when you feel like tuning out, he says something that seems poignant. In true yoga geek fashion, I've begun sitting right at the front, close to Bikram, so I don't have the opportunity to tune out. He notices it immediately. Also, work on sitting in indian style with a straight back.
11:00 pm or 12:00 pm or whatever: Back to the van! Drive home! Or, more precisely, be driven home. Lots of singing along in the van to the radio, or talking about the lecture or some such. Jibber jabber! So much post yoga energy!!!
1:30 am: Write blog entry, talk to Clodagh, wonder why I'm not tired.
Actually. Now I'm tired....
Thursday, April 20, 2006
So little sleep!!!
Bikram's assertion is that, as we do more and more yoga - we're achieving stillness and rest in our savasanas, learning to calm ourselves and rest efficiently, and therefore we need less sleep.
And just maybe... he's right? I've been going on 4 hours a sleep a night for days and days and days, and I feel fine! Also, I wake up so quickly! (By comparison - it normally takes me over an hour to wake up, instead of the minutes it does now). I'm weary, and I do seem to sleep whenever I get a chance - 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there... but I don't feel like I'm approaching burnout, which is great! When I overwork at "regular" work, after a few days I just become useless, but here - I feel like I'm sharpening a fair bit.
My mind feels like it's rearranging itself. You know when you play a videogame, particularly a geometric one like Tetris or Tetris Attack - if you play it ALOT, you start to feel like your brain is recognizing patterns on a larger scale, almost subconsciously? I feel like something similar is happening - I really feel like my synapses are firing faster, connections being made more easily - I can't believe the increase in memorization speed. Last week it took DAYS to memorize the first part of Half Moon Pose, and I memorized Back Bending Half Moon and Hands to Feet Pose in an hour or two today, and it just STUCK. THIS IS SO COOL!!!!!
We had a pretty great class this morning, but this afternoon's class was held by the Director of Teacher Training, Craig - and he, for lack of a better phrase, was NOT FUCKING AROUND. As promised (threatened), he did in fact hold Awkward Pose for VERRRRY long, and promised he'd hold it even longer next time. Ow, ow, ow. Bikram took Craig's class as a student today, and it was very, very strange. He had very inconsistent focus - he'd stay in one pose, but in others, he'd hold them for a short bit and then just stop and lie down. He has been awake for a few days and hadn't eaten anything, but it was strange to see him anything but the invincible I had imagined. Also - this is kinda cool - as a result of his knee injury oh so long ago, he can't wrap his legs in Eagle pose without using his arms to crank his legs into place. This comforted me for some reason. I guess I'm feeling more and more okay with the fact that I'm not perfect at this - I suck at a lot of it, but I feel like I have more and more integrity with trying to do the poses correctly. At one point in the class, Bikram indicated that he felt like he needed to leave the room (super super hot class), and Craig told him he could leave if the class said it was okay. When asked, we unanimously and resoundingly answered, "NO". That was fun. It's interesting - the class was HARD. It took a lot to stay in - the girl next to me literally sobbed throughout most of the class, while still doing her postures! I was impressed. But after a class like this, I just feel like I can walk on air. And I had such calm in waiting to deliver my dialog - last time I was a nervous wreck!!!
I learned today that if you're in one of those horrible balancing poses like standing head to knee, you can make it a lot easier to lock the standing knee by just repeating "lock the knee lock the knee lock the knee" over and over in your head. This is cool.
I suppose, though, my favorite moment of the day was when, while lying down on our mats waiting for yoga class to start, 200+ people in the super hot room, people already starting to sweat - this dude just yelled out, "STEAMROLLER" and rolled, mostly naked, over about three girls, who went into giant giggle fits. So. Awesome. I wanted REALLY BAD to do the same thing, but I think that'd be unoriginal.
This, for some reason, reminds me of a weird thing that's been nagging at the back of my head. People basically wear as little as possible to class - underwear, speedos - you get the idea. Anyway, I'm trying to shed the embarrassment of walking around in my underwear (not that hard, we're usually so hurried anyway). I've noticed as I walk back and forth from the locker room to the classroom that people have been scanning me with their eyes and stopping on my PRIVATE AREA. Some people have frowned slightly. Have you ever had a dinner conversation with someone who keeps staring at your forehead or hairline while you're talking? You start thinking, "is there something on my head? Do I look funny?". But in this case, I keep going back to the locker room to check.. do I have some kinda weird bulge? Am I comically tiny? Did I accidentally split my bits into two pieces? WHAT IS IT? I can't really ask anybody....
And just maybe... he's right? I've been going on 4 hours a sleep a night for days and days and days, and I feel fine! Also, I wake up so quickly! (By comparison - it normally takes me over an hour to wake up, instead of the minutes it does now). I'm weary, and I do seem to sleep whenever I get a chance - 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there... but I don't feel like I'm approaching burnout, which is great! When I overwork at "regular" work, after a few days I just become useless, but here - I feel like I'm sharpening a fair bit.
My mind feels like it's rearranging itself. You know when you play a videogame, particularly a geometric one like Tetris or Tetris Attack - if you play it ALOT, you start to feel like your brain is recognizing patterns on a larger scale, almost subconsciously? I feel like something similar is happening - I really feel like my synapses are firing faster, connections being made more easily - I can't believe the increase in memorization speed. Last week it took DAYS to memorize the first part of Half Moon Pose, and I memorized Back Bending Half Moon and Hands to Feet Pose in an hour or two today, and it just STUCK. THIS IS SO COOL!!!!!
We had a pretty great class this morning, but this afternoon's class was held by the Director of Teacher Training, Craig - and he, for lack of a better phrase, was NOT FUCKING AROUND. As promised (threatened), he did in fact hold Awkward Pose for VERRRRY long, and promised he'd hold it even longer next time. Ow, ow, ow. Bikram took Craig's class as a student today, and it was very, very strange. He had very inconsistent focus - he'd stay in one pose, but in others, he'd hold them for a short bit and then just stop and lie down. He has been awake for a few days and hadn't eaten anything, but it was strange to see him anything but the invincible I had imagined. Also - this is kinda cool - as a result of his knee injury oh so long ago, he can't wrap his legs in Eagle pose without using his arms to crank his legs into place. This comforted me for some reason. I guess I'm feeling more and more okay with the fact that I'm not perfect at this - I suck at a lot of it, but I feel like I have more and more integrity with trying to do the poses correctly. At one point in the class, Bikram indicated that he felt like he needed to leave the room (super super hot class), and Craig told him he could leave if the class said it was okay. When asked, we unanimously and resoundingly answered, "NO". That was fun. It's interesting - the class was HARD. It took a lot to stay in - the girl next to me literally sobbed throughout most of the class, while still doing her postures! I was impressed. But after a class like this, I just feel like I can walk on air. And I had such calm in waiting to deliver my dialog - last time I was a nervous wreck!!!
I learned today that if you're in one of those horrible balancing poses like standing head to knee, you can make it a lot easier to lock the standing knee by just repeating "lock the knee lock the knee lock the knee" over and over in your head. This is cool.
I suppose, though, my favorite moment of the day was when, while lying down on our mats waiting for yoga class to start, 200+ people in the super hot room, people already starting to sweat - this dude just yelled out, "STEAMROLLER" and rolled, mostly naked, over about three girls, who went into giant giggle fits. So. Awesome. I wanted REALLY BAD to do the same thing, but I think that'd be unoriginal.
This, for some reason, reminds me of a weird thing that's been nagging at the back of my head. People basically wear as little as possible to class - underwear, speedos - you get the idea. Anyway, I'm trying to shed the embarrassment of walking around in my underwear (not that hard, we're usually so hurried anyway). I've noticed as I walk back and forth from the locker room to the classroom that people have been scanning me with their eyes and stopping on my PRIVATE AREA. Some people have frowned slightly. Have you ever had a dinner conversation with someone who keeps staring at your forehead or hairline while you're talking? You start thinking, "is there something on my head? Do I look funny?". But in this case, I keep going back to the locker room to check.. do I have some kinda weird bulge? Am I comically tiny? Did I accidentally split my bits into two pieces? WHAT IS IT? I can't really ask anybody....
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Six Months Pregnant
The last few days have been SO HARDCORE! This is gonna be a long post.
Yesterday we did yoga in the Westin Airport Hotel's Grand Ballroom while Bikram went on a Los Angeles-wide whirlwind of building code compliance madness! And, most importantly... he got the job done. To our stunned amazement, instead of us being three or four days in the hotel, we were out in one. Which made me a little bit sad, because the hotel had a grand piano that I got to play in the break. One of the side effects of this yoga is that my mind is getting really clearly sharper and sharper - I'm remembering names of almost everyone I meet - my thoughts are converting into words much more easily than I'm used to - and when I sat down to play the piano, songs I haven't played in 10 years just flowed out of me, beautifully and cleanly. It was exciting. Yoga class was COLD! And I learned that the heat is there for a reason. Sure, you've got tons of strength and stamina, but KNEES OW! BACK OW! HIPS OW!.
I stayed up until 3am last night making food for myself for a week - Kris made me recipies that were nutritionally balanced with this practice in mind - fajita steak burritos and nepalese gorkhal chicken with spiced yellow dal). I am, as everyone who knows me is aware, the world's slowest cook. More about the food later.
But today we returned to our shiny yoga studio, with two lovely new frosted glass fire doors, and all the little crossed t's and dotted lower-case j's. With the benefit of our new perspective - instead of dreading the heat, I was really psyched about it. Craig gave an explanation of what exactly "stomach tight" means, and it was one of those lightbulb turning on moments. My practice seemed to leap forward now that I actually understand how to tighten my stomach. Anyway, I actually extended my leg in standing head to knee with both legs locked. I didn't make it through the whole 60 seconds (who are we kidding, Bikram was teaching. 90 seconds? 120?). Still, I feel so much stronger.
Bikram had his claws OUT today. We did Half Moon postures today, and he was just cutting to the bone with some people. He was generally happy with most people, but from time to time, somewhat arbitrarily, he would just choose something that he didn't like and just attack it. There were some noteworthy ones, but the jaw dropper was when a very very surfer-esque girl got up and delivered a pretty great dialogue. Instead of commenting on her dialogue, though, Bikram paused and then said "Nobody's going to listen to a yoga teacher who looks like you do. Look at how you are standing!" She had a somewhat casual stance, with her belly a bit hanging out. Bikram then said, "you've got to learn to hold your stomach in, like me" Bikram stands up and shows his six pack , and then he said, "standing like that, you look like you're six months pregnant. ROOM COLLECTIVELY GASPS. To her credit, the girl held her shit together really well. At first I was horrified, but then... this is what we signed up for. I hold (or don't hold) my belly in, just like her. Though now I'm going to keep my belly in come hell or high water. Besides... I do want that nice stomach. There were a few other gems as well - in reference to a gynecologist (not sure how it came up), Bikram said, "Oh, a Pussy Doctor? All day in the same hole. I don't know how he doesn't get bored". There were others, equally tasteless, but... I laughed a LOT today.
I'm totally drinking the kool aid. It's ridiculous. I like Bikram more every day - of course, he hasn't attacked me yet... but if he does, I feel like I'll probably survive and come out better for it.
Oh yeah - the food. It was a huge pain in the ass to prepare, since I'm so damned slow, but the class after I ate the first of it, I was so incredibly energetic, so strong. And, I don't have to think about food for 5 more days. Genius. Thank you, Kris.
My mantra for the moment. Your Focus Determines Your Reality. (Right Leg Locked. No Knee. No Knee...)
Yesterday we did yoga in the Westin Airport Hotel's Grand Ballroom while Bikram went on a Los Angeles-wide whirlwind of building code compliance madness! And, most importantly... he got the job done. To our stunned amazement, instead of us being three or four days in the hotel, we were out in one. Which made me a little bit sad, because the hotel had a grand piano that I got to play in the break. One of the side effects of this yoga is that my mind is getting really clearly sharper and sharper - I'm remembering names of almost everyone I meet - my thoughts are converting into words much more easily than I'm used to - and when I sat down to play the piano, songs I haven't played in 10 years just flowed out of me, beautifully and cleanly. It was exciting. Yoga class was COLD! And I learned that the heat is there for a reason. Sure, you've got tons of strength and stamina, but KNEES OW! BACK OW! HIPS OW!.
I stayed up until 3am last night making food for myself for a week - Kris made me recipies that were nutritionally balanced with this practice in mind - fajita steak burritos and nepalese gorkhal chicken with spiced yellow dal). I am, as everyone who knows me is aware, the world's slowest cook. More about the food later.
But today we returned to our shiny yoga studio, with two lovely new frosted glass fire doors, and all the little crossed t's and dotted lower-case j's. With the benefit of our new perspective - instead of dreading the heat, I was really psyched about it. Craig gave an explanation of what exactly "stomach tight" means, and it was one of those lightbulb turning on moments. My practice seemed to leap forward now that I actually understand how to tighten my stomach. Anyway, I actually extended my leg in standing head to knee with both legs locked. I didn't make it through the whole 60 seconds (who are we kidding, Bikram was teaching. 90 seconds? 120?). Still, I feel so much stronger.
Bikram had his claws OUT today. We did Half Moon postures today, and he was just cutting to the bone with some people. He was generally happy with most people, but from time to time, somewhat arbitrarily, he would just choose something that he didn't like and just attack it. There were some noteworthy ones, but the jaw dropper was when a very very surfer-esque girl got up and delivered a pretty great dialogue. Instead of commenting on her dialogue, though, Bikram paused and then said "Nobody's going to listen to a yoga teacher who looks like you do. Look at how you are standing!" She had a somewhat casual stance, with her belly a bit hanging out. Bikram then said, "you've got to learn to hold your stomach in, like me" Bikram stands up and shows his six pack , and then he said, "standing like that, you look like you're six months pregnant. ROOM COLLECTIVELY GASPS. To her credit, the girl held her shit together really well. At first I was horrified, but then... this is what we signed up for. I hold (or don't hold) my belly in, just like her. Though now I'm going to keep my belly in come hell or high water. Besides... I do want that nice stomach. There were a few other gems as well - in reference to a gynecologist (not sure how it came up), Bikram said, "Oh, a Pussy Doctor? All day in the same hole. I don't know how he doesn't get bored". There were others, equally tasteless, but... I laughed a LOT today.
I'm totally drinking the kool aid. It's ridiculous. I like Bikram more every day - of course, he hasn't attacked me yet... but if he does, I feel like I'll probably survive and come out better for it.
Oh yeah - the food. It was a huge pain in the ass to prepare, since I'm so damned slow, but the class after I ate the first of it, I was so incredibly energetic, so strong. And, I don't have to think about food for 5 more days. Genius. Thank you, Kris.
My mantra for the moment. Your Focus Determines Your Reality. (Right Leg Locked. No Knee. No Knee...)
Sunday, April 16, 2006
The other shoe drops.
So, that was fun while it lasted. I'm packing my things.
JUST KIDDING!
Sorry, I'm mildly amazed that there's suspense out there about my blog, which seems verbose and dry to me. But here's what went down. I will attempt to be precise and reproduce Rajashree's statements accurately.
Rajashree and her daughter were here at 4:30 pm. They waited for the little crowd to form by the pool - it was so LA, some people were gathering IN the pool. Once the crowd was assembled, Rajashree (very quietly) began. Her demeanor was caring and apologetic and understanding, as she has been in every meeting so far. I have been thinking about the 4-sided star that forms the Bikram teacher training organization, Bikram, Rajashree, Emmy and Craig. Birkam is the passion, the drive - Rajashree is the compassion, the heart - Emmy is the intellect, the brain - and Craig is the strength, the endurance. I think it wouldn't work as well without all four of them.
Okay, back to the plot. I've described Rajashree's demeanor - it's easier to present the pertinent information in a LIST.
So - we'll still going to be yogis. I guess I should have had a bit more faith. I feel so fortunate to be in this group of people and to be able to ride this roller coaster. SO MUCH DRAMA! They've GOT to be filming this. And - I think this is an oblique gift - lemme 'splain. If it weren't for this, I think I'd be tempted to (from time to time) hope for things to be a bit easier. And I think I also that our group of people would not be quite as bonded as we seem to be becoming. Maybe I'm just all flushed with optimism now that I'm not worried about the training being cancelled, but I think this will only add to our training. Particularly if Bikram makes up missed lectures and classes in double. Yeow.
Bring the pain? BRING THE PAIN!
JUST KIDDING!
Sorry, I'm mildly amazed that there's suspense out there about my blog, which seems verbose and dry to me. But here's what went down. I will attempt to be precise and reproduce Rajashree's statements accurately.
Rajashree and her daughter were here at 4:30 pm. They waited for the little crowd to form by the pool - it was so LA, some people were gathering IN the pool. Once the crowd was assembled, Rajashree (very quietly) began. Her demeanor was caring and apologetic and understanding, as she has been in every meeting so far. I have been thinking about the 4-sided star that forms the Bikram teacher training organization, Bikram, Rajashree, Emmy and Craig. Birkam is the passion, the drive - Rajashree is the compassion, the heart - Emmy is the intellect, the brain - and Craig is the strength, the endurance. I think it wouldn't work as well without all four of them.
Okay, back to the plot. I've described Rajashree's demeanor - it's easier to present the pertinent information in a LIST.
- The studio is currently temporarily closed due to non-compliance with a fire code building requirement that the studio had been made aware of a month ago or so.
- The studio, and Bikram specifically, are constantly minding the fire code issues to make sure the studio is in compliance. They took appropriate measures, ordering a new door and having an architect prepare to have the door installed.
- The door is arriving today or tomorrow, and will be installed immediately. Rajashree noted that there is a specific person on the bureaucratic side who seems to have a grudge with Bikram and is using a barrage of minute code violations to interfere with Bikram's business. For example, they insisted that each of Bikram's photographs (there are thousands) must be individually fire-code approved, which is patently absurd.
- Most importantly, there is a PLAN B. Bikram has rented a conference room in an airport hotel (the Westin on Century Boulevard) and we will be having classes there until the studio meets these new code requirements. The room will be less hot than the usual (silent prayer of thanks from me), but is slightly larger, and has more bathrooms! I wonder if this poor hotel knows what their carpets are in for. Rajashree expected that we would have three days maximum in this hotel, but hoped only one.
- Rajashree noted that they have had to change their doors multiple times over the years, to a specific design requirement, and they still keep having to change. I got the impression of a pattern of harrassment.
- Most importantly, Rajashree apologized, multiple times, and it was not just lip service.
- Actually, MOST importantly - Bikram has promised he'll make up all our missed classes DOUBLE. Talk about being careful what you wish for. Yow.
So - we'll still going to be yogis. I guess I should have had a bit more faith. I feel so fortunate to be in this group of people and to be able to ride this roller coaster. SO MUCH DRAMA! They've GOT to be filming this. And - I think this is an oblique gift - lemme 'splain. If it weren't for this, I think I'd be tempted to (from time to time) hope for things to be a bit easier. And I think I also that our group of people would not be quite as bonded as we seem to be becoming. Maybe I'm just all flushed with optimism now that I'm not worried about the training being cancelled, but I think this will only add to our training. Particularly if Bikram makes up missed lectures and classes in double. Yeow.
Bring the pain? BRING THE PAIN!
Countdown
Bikram's wife Rajashree is coming to our apartment complex at 4:30 this afternoon (Easter sunday!), which is 1 hour from now. The negativity has me pretty solidly in it's grip - I'm assuming the news, whatever it is, will be bad. Here's my reasoning:
1. Everyone was assuming we need to go back to class tomorrow morning at 9:30 am, so why send Rajashree out here to talk to us when we were already with the plan?
2. If you had to pick somebody to give 200 highly emotional people bad news, it's Rajashree. And I think this is true for virtually any context. If I had to learn that a loved one had a terminal disease or something, I'd want Rajashree to be the one who told me.
So there's the negative outlook. But then, as I was writing that, I thought of a different line of reasoning. As I mentioned... everybody IS really emotional, really angry - wondering why nobody has given us any official news, expecting explanations, apologies, compensation... Rajashree I think would be wonderful at helping everybody get this off their chest, feel how they're feeling, and then put it behind them so that tomorrow we can begin again solid and whole and present.
So really, ANYTHING could happen. I'll post more in a few hours.
1. Everyone was assuming we need to go back to class tomorrow morning at 9:30 am, so why send Rajashree out here to talk to us when we were already with the plan?
2. If you had to pick somebody to give 200 highly emotional people bad news, it's Rajashree. And I think this is true for virtually any context. If I had to learn that a loved one had a terminal disease or something, I'd want Rajashree to be the one who told me.
So there's the negative outlook. But then, as I was writing that, I thought of a different line of reasoning. As I mentioned... everybody IS really emotional, really angry - wondering why nobody has given us any official news, expecting explanations, apologies, compensation... Rajashree I think would be wonderful at helping everybody get this off their chest, feel how they're feeling, and then put it behind them so that tomorrow we can begin again solid and whole and present.
So really, ANYTHING could happen. I'll post more in a few hours.
All over the map.
Today has been an emotional roller coaster. Every time we hear that the Bikram studio is definitely opening again at a certain time - tuesday morning, monday morning - I get that little tiny bit of (clearly illusory) certainty and feel better. After all, I've done 8 yoga classes in 6 days, my body is definitely in some kind of shock, I've got FAR more to think about from Bikram already than I could have absorbed in this amount of time... really, there's nothing missing. I lament the loss of momentum and intensity, but seriously - the days have had plenty of yoga in them.
But then somebody will send me an email saying something like "we just heard that we have to call the studio at 4pm tomorrow, it's maybe again for monday" and my stomach lurches. I can't focus to study my dialogue, I'm sick... I can't breathe through my nose at all, my throat feels burnt, I'm tired but can't sleep... (I have a little bit more whining to do, and then I'll be done). I'm not usually a person who misses my friends in a way that I can't rely on my digital interactions with them for 9 or 10 weeks. But, I think that, without the feeling that there's a concrete reason to be here, and missing my friends who are having hilarious fun having christmas at easter, I just feel like I have nothing.
But big deal! It's only nine weeks! It's only money! Right? But it's not that - it's the thought of losing the change in myself that I was hoping to find here. I don't even know what that change is - if I knew exactly what change I was expecting to find, I think I could do it on my own, without Bikram or this training. I know I want focus. The ability to quiet my mind. A six pack! Good things that come to my mind when I look at myself instead of bad. The ability to levitate? Bikram insists it's simple. Maybe... finally being able to do something with myself to help people? Even if it's a small something. Those all sound like good things, but I don't know - I think whatever the change is is bigger than that - or different - the sum is greater than the parts.
I'm holding my breath. It's the opposite of what I'm learning how to do.
But then somebody will send me an email saying something like "we just heard that we have to call the studio at 4pm tomorrow, it's maybe again for monday" and my stomach lurches. I can't focus to study my dialogue, I'm sick... I can't breathe through my nose at all, my throat feels burnt, I'm tired but can't sleep... (I have a little bit more whining to do, and then I'll be done). I'm not usually a person who misses my friends in a way that I can't rely on my digital interactions with them for 9 or 10 weeks. But, I think that, without the feeling that there's a concrete reason to be here, and missing my friends who are having hilarious fun having christmas at easter, I just feel like I have nothing.
But big deal! It's only nine weeks! It's only money! Right? But it's not that - it's the thought of losing the change in myself that I was hoping to find here. I don't even know what that change is - if I knew exactly what change I was expecting to find, I think I could do it on my own, without Bikram or this training. I know I want focus. The ability to quiet my mind. A six pack! Good things that come to my mind when I look at myself instead of bad. The ability to levitate? Bikram insists it's simple. Maybe... finally being able to do something with myself to help people? Even if it's a small something. Those all sound like good things, but I don't know - I think whatever the change is is bigger than that - or different - the sum is greater than the parts.
I'm holding my breath. It's the opposite of what I'm learning how to do.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Fred 62
I can't believe we just drove all the way to Silverlake to take yoga class, and pay for it. JUNKIES!!!! It was hot, the people were hot, feel great after class (though sore), the usual. There's a LOT of fear and anger about the school being closed and there being virtually no information. I can understand it, but I'm not sure what good it does other than making people more upset. We can't change this situation, and all the feelings of entitlement and outrage in the world won't change anything right now. I've heard the phrase "class action lawsuit" more than a few times today, and I sorely missed my home in New Zealand, where as far as I can tell, they don't have lawsuits.
But - to the important business. On the way home from class, we ate at Fred 62 in Los Feliz - near where I used to live - and it was WONDERFUL. America may be largely responsible for the impending collapse of the world, but damn they make a mean omelette. It's magical to be able to order breakfast and actually get it cooked properly! It was a dream. We were surrounded by LA's beautiful people - hip kids with absurdly gorgeous bodies in their magnificent costumes. We ate lunch with Edson, a brazilian from Sao Paolo (sorry if I spelled either of those wrong), and his energy and lust for life were just magnificent. We were all talking about people's attitudes about all of the sexual chemistry that's bouncing around... I, being chaste and innocent and very much taken was opposed, of course - but some of the guys here (and a few of the girls) have some serious hard-core booty call PLANS. STRATEGIES. I was kinda shocked - I suppose partially because Bikram forbade it - I'm of the opinion that we should stick to the plan if we want the most out of it, but I think that makes me old fashioned. Nonetheless, the sexual chemistry conversation led to Edson's passionate monologue on how much he loves kissing, and it was fairly breathtaking. It's really no fair that all you require is that magnificent Latin accent and a deep passion for, um, deep passion and you're suddenly breathtaking. I'm going to have to learn to fake that accent. So to summarize, American omelettes are great, Brazilians love to kiss, and all milkshakes should be malted.
I'm a little weirded out by how achey I am - I'm doing yoga, aren't I supposed to be all loose and flexible and feeling great? I do feel pretty great, actually - but with a lot of aches and pains. Nothing to be done, I suppose.
So much Yoga Drama!!! Why isn't there a Bikram Teacher Training Reality Show?
But - to the important business. On the way home from class, we ate at Fred 62 in Los Feliz - near where I used to live - and it was WONDERFUL. America may be largely responsible for the impending collapse of the world, but damn they make a mean omelette. It's magical to be able to order breakfast and actually get it cooked properly! It was a dream. We were surrounded by LA's beautiful people - hip kids with absurdly gorgeous bodies in their magnificent costumes. We ate lunch with Edson, a brazilian from Sao Paolo (sorry if I spelled either of those wrong), and his energy and lust for life were just magnificent. We were all talking about people's attitudes about all of the sexual chemistry that's bouncing around... I, being chaste and innocent and very much taken was opposed, of course - but some of the guys here (and a few of the girls) have some serious hard-core booty call PLANS. STRATEGIES. I was kinda shocked - I suppose partially because Bikram forbade it - I'm of the opinion that we should stick to the plan if we want the most out of it, but I think that makes me old fashioned. Nonetheless, the sexual chemistry conversation led to Edson's passionate monologue on how much he loves kissing, and it was fairly breathtaking. It's really no fair that all you require is that magnificent Latin accent and a deep passion for, um, deep passion and you're suddenly breathtaking. I'm going to have to learn to fake that accent. So to summarize, American omelettes are great, Brazilians love to kiss, and all milkshakes should be malted.
I'm a little weirded out by how achey I am - I'm doing yoga, aren't I supposed to be all loose and flexible and feeling great? I do feel pretty great, actually - but with a lot of aches and pains. Nothing to be done, I suppose.
So much Yoga Drama!!! Why isn't there a Bikram Teacher Training Reality Show?
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt
Not only has tonight's evening class been cancelled, but tomorrow's morning class has been cancelled as well. It's ironic - just as I started to get over the hump and started to feel like I was able to approach classes with integrity and strength - without fear - we have no classes!!! And of course all that fear needed a place to go, so I'm spinning around in my head... what if training gets cancelled? Rumors are spreading - mostly the fire code/occupancy violation rumor, which is a bit scary due to its basic unfixability - but also at least one of the "Bikram's computers were being taken out of the business for investigation" rumors floated up to our apartment earlier.
A fellow yoga student, Suzanne, suggested that this is all just part of the process - perhaps not a planned part, but still. We can't take anything for granted, and we do have to take our focus and discipline into our own hands. A bunch of people are planning to drive to a nearby Bikram studio - the studio city location - for class tomorrow morning. I'm planning to tag along, because clearly I AM A JUNKIE. Like everybody else here.
This shift in perspective is kinda valuable - I think I'll be less inclined to find fault with the intensity of this process, now that I know how much I crave it in its absence. Plus - it makes the time seem longer - I still can't believe it's only been 4 days, it feels like a month.
Fortunately for all of us, Rob Schneider's "The Animal" is on the movie channels tonight - for FREE! Can you BELIEVE IT? I'm going to go savor the humor bounty...
A fellow yoga student, Suzanne, suggested that this is all just part of the process - perhaps not a planned part, but still. We can't take anything for granted, and we do have to take our focus and discipline into our own hands. A bunch of people are planning to drive to a nearby Bikram studio - the studio city location - for class tomorrow morning. I'm planning to tag along, because clearly I AM A JUNKIE. Like everybody else here.
This shift in perspective is kinda valuable - I think I'll be less inclined to find fault with the intensity of this process, now that I know how much I crave it in its absence. Plus - it makes the time seem longer - I still can't believe it's only been 4 days, it feels like a month.
Fortunately for all of us, Rob Schneider's "The Animal" is on the movie channels tonight - for FREE! Can you BELIEVE IT? I'm going to go savor the humor bounty...
Fire!!!
Imagine you've just completed yoga class - you're lying in savasana, your mind is calm, you begin to relax.... and then a fireman opens the studio door and yells, "Everyone has to leave this room IMMEDIATELY and evacuate the building". Then remember how much you are (or aren't) wearing. I'm to the point where what I'm wearing is only trivially more than a speedo. So almost 300 yoga students are standing in throngs ouside the building, waiting to be let back inside, only to be told - the studio is closed, please go home. Not HOME home, thank god, but back to the apartments. And now I'm all worried we might have to miss tonight's yoga class. Instead of relishing the break, I'm hoping we have another class? What the HELL is THAT???
Rumors abound - somebody smelled smoke, there's a burnt out transformer, though the one we heard the most was that Bikram's studio is in serious violation of fire codes, filled over capacity... if this experience gets shut down now, I'd be so crushed. But for now... at least I get a nap! Yahoo!!!!!
Rumors abound - somebody smelled smoke, there's a burnt out transformer, though the one we heard the most was that Bikram's studio is in serious violation of fire codes, filled over capacity... if this experience gets shut down now, I'd be so crushed. But for now... at least I get a nap! Yahoo!!!!!
Over the first hump...
What a difference a day makes.
Today's first yoga class was taught by Bikram's wife, Rajashree. She had heard of some of the nuclear fallout from the evening before, and taught the most caring, compassionate, but stong class I've ever taken. And I don't mean just in yoga, I mean period. I felt like she was my great-grandmother, and that she knew exactly everything that was wrong with us and addressed it immediately and effortlessly. She asked us, just as class began, "Are you scared?". And the entire class said "yes", immediately - me with them.
The class wasn't easy, and I sat near the doors, which were left open, but I stayed strong and found strength I didn't have yesterday. I feel this blanket of calm around me that I don't remember having before. A quick intrusion from the ill-voices said something like, "Yeah, but in two weeks when they crank it up, it'll suck...". But the positive voice, which is getting stronger, replied, "They taught the class this way today because that is what they knew we needed, and could do. And when they crank it up in two weeks, it won't be because we can't take it, but precisely because we can."
But let's make this all out to be TOO serious. Today's magnificent hyperbole included these fantastic claims:
1. Bikram INVENTED DISCO. Actually INVENTED THE WORD DISCO, and opened the "World's First Disco Club".
2. Bikram came up with Chippendales Dancing.
3. Bikram has his own, the "world's largest", private city in india, which cost 60 billion dollars to build.
There were more, but I can't remember them all. They were hilarious. But, again, it's weird - the exaggeration is SO extreme that you actually come around the bend and wonder whether or not the things he says might be somehow partially true - did he maybe inspire disco, and the way he uses language might, if translated into his mother tongue, be closer to the literal truth? The fact that I spent a non trivial amount of time today trying to figure out how Bikram might have tangentially created Disco is hilarious in and of itself. And I suppose all of this comes from the fact that, somehow, you WANT to believe Bikram. I suppose that's why we're all there, among other things. As Anika said, behind it all, the heart is there.
I'm finding - and I hope those of you who are doing Bikram who read this can understand this - that the most important sentence in all of the dialogue is, "99% correct is 100% wrong". I've had to basically start over with most of my poses, and really ask myself if I'm adhering to ALL the parts of the instruction. And I'm finding that the poses require more stength when I'm doing them correctly, even though I can't go as far into them, but they cause less fatigue, and my breathing and heartrate stay much more in control. Understanding how pointless it is to even attempt something that looks like the pose, but that you know truthfully is incorrect - is making a huge difference. I'm finding that it requires letting go of some of the pride associated with feeling like I do the pose well, whether I do or not, and MUCH more difficultly, accepting that I must have patience, and that the improvements will take a long time to manifest. (Ironically, just grasping this idea showed me improvements across the board, in small and subtle ways).
Bikram gives us philosophy lectures for 2.5-3 hours each night, after our second yoga classes. They are difficult, peppered with his fantastical claims, weaving in and out of Indian and Hindu mythology and ancient teachings that he only touches on briefly. Also, most people seem to be either discarding the teachings altogether as silly nonsense, to be made fun of on the way home, or alternatively - blindly agreeing with it, in keeping with the culty aspects of all of this. Woven throughout yesterday's and today's lecture, though, was this idea: Yoga is the union of Body, Mind and Spirit. The mental discipline (Raja Yoga) provides the ability for the mind to control the body and help it achieve greater health and beauty through physical discipline (Hatha Yoga). When the mind and body have united in this way to create a beautiful temple that the spirit will want to reside in, a harmony is reached that is the very definition of life.
My understanding of all of this is obviously incomplete, and a lengthy discussion of how these things were related to Karma Yoga was beyond my ability to distill just yet. But part of the explanation included a stern admonition from Bikram that we (his students) are confused, uncertain, unhappy, unrealized because our lack of mental discipline lets the negative voices run rampant. And I was immediately awash with reminders of how much I hate what I see when I look at myself in the mirror - how I begin almost every class thinking that I might not be able to make it - how I spend my days at work wasting so much of my time instead of achieving a purpose, staying on a track, whatever that track may be. A rapid downward spiral occurred, but then... I was reminded of something I told Clodagh when I first met her. There is one thing I am certain of, beyond even my occasional certainty at solving technical puzzles: I have a good heart. I deeply and truly want my loved ones to be happy, above all things, and I am quick to open myself to new loved ones almost all the time. I think about whether or not my abilities as a yoga teacher might help my grandfather not suffer, help my uncle find himself, help my father find strength... that sounds judgemental, I suppose. So much of my daily mind is filled not with "how do I get a better stomach", though it is most certainly there, but... will I be able to do something to make people better? And that positive feeling drowned the negative feelings out. I feel stronger because of it. Weird.
Man, where is the humor? This shit is getting pretty dry... Okay, tomorrow's post: All Ass N Titties, no airy-fairy stuff.
Today's first yoga class was taught by Bikram's wife, Rajashree. She had heard of some of the nuclear fallout from the evening before, and taught the most caring, compassionate, but stong class I've ever taken. And I don't mean just in yoga, I mean period. I felt like she was my great-grandmother, and that she knew exactly everything that was wrong with us and addressed it immediately and effortlessly. She asked us, just as class began, "Are you scared?". And the entire class said "yes", immediately - me with them.
The class wasn't easy, and I sat near the doors, which were left open, but I stayed strong and found strength I didn't have yesterday. I feel this blanket of calm around me that I don't remember having before. A quick intrusion from the ill-voices said something like, "Yeah, but in two weeks when they crank it up, it'll suck...". But the positive voice, which is getting stronger, replied, "They taught the class this way today because that is what they knew we needed, and could do. And when they crank it up in two weeks, it won't be because we can't take it, but precisely because we can."
But let's make this all out to be TOO serious. Today's magnificent hyperbole included these fantastic claims:
1. Bikram INVENTED DISCO. Actually INVENTED THE WORD DISCO, and opened the "World's First Disco Club".
2. Bikram came up with Chippendales Dancing.
3. Bikram has his own, the "world's largest", private city in india, which cost 60 billion dollars to build.
There were more, but I can't remember them all. They were hilarious. But, again, it's weird - the exaggeration is SO extreme that you actually come around the bend and wonder whether or not the things he says might be somehow partially true - did he maybe inspire disco, and the way he uses language might, if translated into his mother tongue, be closer to the literal truth? The fact that I spent a non trivial amount of time today trying to figure out how Bikram might have tangentially created Disco is hilarious in and of itself. And I suppose all of this comes from the fact that, somehow, you WANT to believe Bikram. I suppose that's why we're all there, among other things. As Anika said, behind it all, the heart is there.
I'm finding - and I hope those of you who are doing Bikram who read this can understand this - that the most important sentence in all of the dialogue is, "99% correct is 100% wrong". I've had to basically start over with most of my poses, and really ask myself if I'm adhering to ALL the parts of the instruction. And I'm finding that the poses require more stength when I'm doing them correctly, even though I can't go as far into them, but they cause less fatigue, and my breathing and heartrate stay much more in control. Understanding how pointless it is to even attempt something that looks like the pose, but that you know truthfully is incorrect - is making a huge difference. I'm finding that it requires letting go of some of the pride associated with feeling like I do the pose well, whether I do or not, and MUCH more difficultly, accepting that I must have patience, and that the improvements will take a long time to manifest. (Ironically, just grasping this idea showed me improvements across the board, in small and subtle ways).
Bikram gives us philosophy lectures for 2.5-3 hours each night, after our second yoga classes. They are difficult, peppered with his fantastical claims, weaving in and out of Indian and Hindu mythology and ancient teachings that he only touches on briefly. Also, most people seem to be either discarding the teachings altogether as silly nonsense, to be made fun of on the way home, or alternatively - blindly agreeing with it, in keeping with the culty aspects of all of this. Woven throughout yesterday's and today's lecture, though, was this idea: Yoga is the union of Body, Mind and Spirit. The mental discipline (Raja Yoga) provides the ability for the mind to control the body and help it achieve greater health and beauty through physical discipline (Hatha Yoga). When the mind and body have united in this way to create a beautiful temple that the spirit will want to reside in, a harmony is reached that is the very definition of life.
My understanding of all of this is obviously incomplete, and a lengthy discussion of how these things were related to Karma Yoga was beyond my ability to distill just yet. But part of the explanation included a stern admonition from Bikram that we (his students) are confused, uncertain, unhappy, unrealized because our lack of mental discipline lets the negative voices run rampant. And I was immediately awash with reminders of how much I hate what I see when I look at myself in the mirror - how I begin almost every class thinking that I might not be able to make it - how I spend my days at work wasting so much of my time instead of achieving a purpose, staying on a track, whatever that track may be. A rapid downward spiral occurred, but then... I was reminded of something I told Clodagh when I first met her. There is one thing I am certain of, beyond even my occasional certainty at solving technical puzzles: I have a good heart. I deeply and truly want my loved ones to be happy, above all things, and I am quick to open myself to new loved ones almost all the time. I think about whether or not my abilities as a yoga teacher might help my grandfather not suffer, help my uncle find himself, help my father find strength... that sounds judgemental, I suppose. So much of my daily mind is filled not with "how do I get a better stomach", though it is most certainly there, but... will I be able to do something to make people better? And that positive feeling drowned the negative feelings out. I feel stronger because of it. Weird.
Man, where is the humor? This shit is getting pretty dry... Okay, tomorrow's post: All Ass N Titties, no airy-fairy stuff.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Operation Successful. Patient Dead.
What on earth have I chosen to do. What on earth have I chosen to do.
Today was the apocalypse.
I don't have time to write a great deal because we didn't get out of our last lecture with Bikram until 11:30 pm. We left the apartments at 7:30 am. There were three hour long breaks during the day. The rest was machine gun fire.
At one point, after they CARRIED the second person out of the room, Bikram looked around the room at all the people lying on the floor instead of staying in the poses and noted that it looked like a Vietnam battlefield. One of my roommates, Am, lost consciousness and was unable to move for about 20 minutes. Radical electrolyte depletion.
Because I have to be somewhat brief, I'll try to stick to the most poignant elements of the day. First of all, I had class this morning with Emmy Cleaves, who is somewhere between 80 and 90, a concentration camp survivor, and though wonderful, a SERIOUS hardass. She noted with disgust that our class was "pathetic". She did provide a staggering amount of information in the class, though - I felt like I was beginning again for the first time with all the new information. She's been teaching Bikram's Yoga classes for 33 years.
The other reason I felt like a beginner again today was that I got my ASS KICKED, surgically removed, and handed to me. Rodney Leonard Stubbs (achewood reference..) may as well have been there. I was on the floor or checked out 60% of the time. I was fighting for breath, fighting not to pass out, stunned and overwhelmed by the heat, and just beaten, beaten, beaten. And then the second class came and I struggled to stay conscious as yogis collapsed around me. It SUCKED.
But - a few things happened during all of this that made me tangibly aware of what's happening to me, how I'm changing, and how wonderful this all is in the end. The hotter the fire, the sharper the sword. After the first class, as lay on the floor barely able to get up from savasana, a nagging voice appeared in my head and said, "you're not going to make it through this. This isn't for you, you're not a physical person". And I immediately was reminded - hey - this was EXACTLY what my very first class at Anika's studio was like. I felt exactly the same way - performed just as poorly (relatively speaking) and felt just as overwhelmed... and I knew then that I would make it through this, because I made it through that same despair the last time, and with way more against me. And I realized vividly... the fact that I began my yoga journey from a place of weakness and inability - something I had been ashamed of because I wanted to be good at it right away - is the greatest gift I could have received. Because now I know how much stronger I can be than the voices in my head tell me, I have PROOF.
And the second revelation of the day - one that brought clearly home how quickly this environment is reshaping me... At the beginning of each of the savasanas in the second class of the day - the heat of the room was destroying me - my hands, arms and feet were stinging from the heat, and the fight-or-flight mechanism in my head was SCREAMING at me, GET OUT OF THE ROOM. People were leaving quite a bit, everybody was low-key, there's no ego... but Craig, the head of teacher training, said something about being able to look yourself in the eye and truly say "I needed to leave" vs. "I wanted to leave" and the strength we would gain from knowing we never left the room during all of teacher training. Craig also told us that the number one thing we could do is train ourselves to respond to panic by making a conscious effort to breath slowly into the stomach - not the chest - and give ourselves the gift of breath. So when the screaming voice was telling me to leave - I yelled back (in my head) NO. One time, I actually got up and started to leave and then came back. And I made it to the end. It did not get easier - but now I KNOW, I absolutely KNOW that I can defy the negative impulses - and if those are removed of their power - they'll lose strength, fast. Can you imagine what stillness of mind would be like if the negative voices were quieted to a murmur, or gone entirely, and if we had the ability to tell them NO?
And the weight... is falling off me like I have the flu. It's nuts. Last - but not least - I performed "Half Moon Pose" (Ardha Chandrasana) in front of Bikram today (as did many other people). I have to go faster, and I started off without all of my confidence but found it as I went. My next one will be stronger.
Pictures soon... I have taken a few, but cannot find the cord to attach the camera to the computer. D'oh!!!
Today was the apocalypse.
I don't have time to write a great deal because we didn't get out of our last lecture with Bikram until 11:30 pm. We left the apartments at 7:30 am. There were three hour long breaks during the day. The rest was machine gun fire.
At one point, after they CARRIED the second person out of the room, Bikram looked around the room at all the people lying on the floor instead of staying in the poses and noted that it looked like a Vietnam battlefield. One of my roommates, Am, lost consciousness and was unable to move for about 20 minutes. Radical electrolyte depletion.
Because I have to be somewhat brief, I'll try to stick to the most poignant elements of the day. First of all, I had class this morning with Emmy Cleaves, who is somewhere between 80 and 90, a concentration camp survivor, and though wonderful, a SERIOUS hardass. She noted with disgust that our class was "pathetic". She did provide a staggering amount of information in the class, though - I felt like I was beginning again for the first time with all the new information. She's been teaching Bikram's Yoga classes for 33 years.
The other reason I felt like a beginner again today was that I got my ASS KICKED, surgically removed, and handed to me. Rodney Leonard Stubbs (achewood reference..) may as well have been there. I was on the floor or checked out 60% of the time. I was fighting for breath, fighting not to pass out, stunned and overwhelmed by the heat, and just beaten, beaten, beaten. And then the second class came and I struggled to stay conscious as yogis collapsed around me. It SUCKED.
But - a few things happened during all of this that made me tangibly aware of what's happening to me, how I'm changing, and how wonderful this all is in the end. The hotter the fire, the sharper the sword. After the first class, as lay on the floor barely able to get up from savasana, a nagging voice appeared in my head and said, "you're not going to make it through this. This isn't for you, you're not a physical person". And I immediately was reminded - hey - this was EXACTLY what my very first class at Anika's studio was like. I felt exactly the same way - performed just as poorly (relatively speaking) and felt just as overwhelmed... and I knew then that I would make it through this, because I made it through that same despair the last time, and with way more against me. And I realized vividly... the fact that I began my yoga journey from a place of weakness and inability - something I had been ashamed of because I wanted to be good at it right away - is the greatest gift I could have received. Because now I know how much stronger I can be than the voices in my head tell me, I have PROOF.
And the second revelation of the day - one that brought clearly home how quickly this environment is reshaping me... At the beginning of each of the savasanas in the second class of the day - the heat of the room was destroying me - my hands, arms and feet were stinging from the heat, and the fight-or-flight mechanism in my head was SCREAMING at me, GET OUT OF THE ROOM. People were leaving quite a bit, everybody was low-key, there's no ego... but Craig, the head of teacher training, said something about being able to look yourself in the eye and truly say "I needed to leave" vs. "I wanted to leave" and the strength we would gain from knowing we never left the room during all of teacher training. Craig also told us that the number one thing we could do is train ourselves to respond to panic by making a conscious effort to breath slowly into the stomach - not the chest - and give ourselves the gift of breath. So when the screaming voice was telling me to leave - I yelled back (in my head) NO. One time, I actually got up and started to leave and then came back. And I made it to the end. It did not get easier - but now I KNOW, I absolutely KNOW that I can defy the negative impulses - and if those are removed of their power - they'll lose strength, fast. Can you imagine what stillness of mind would be like if the negative voices were quieted to a murmur, or gone entirely, and if we had the ability to tell them NO?
And the weight... is falling off me like I have the flu. It's nuts. Last - but not least - I performed "Half Moon Pose" (Ardha Chandrasana) in front of Bikram today (as did many other people). I have to go faster, and I started off without all of my confidence but found it as I went. My next one will be stronger.
Pictures soon... I have taken a few, but cannot find the cord to attach the camera to the computer. D'oh!!!
Monday, April 10, 2006
BRING IT ON!!!
Well, here we go!!!
Bikram is, well, everything everyone proclaimed and warned he would be. He's unbelievable. My first impression of him, to my great surprise, was a combination of, "He's handsome/He's ridiculously fit/He's fucking 60 years old????" Subsequent impressions were:
1. He is wearing snakeskin shoes, a skin tight black lycra t-shirt with silver spirals on the shoulders, and skinny-guy pants.
2. He is wearing a rolex, or something about as shiny.
3. Wow. He really likes to brag. Not that he doesn't have a staggering amount to brag about, but the onslaught of hyperbole and exaggeration (which we were warned about) seems to diminish the impact of the indisputably amazing things that he's done.
4. He is the GREATEST HYPERBOLIST THAT HAS EVER LIVED OR EVER WILL LIVE.
5. Goddamit, I still like him.
Not that I don't want to like Bikram, but this is the weird part about all of this. It feels very... culty. There were moments when I saw myself in the room, nodding in agreement with everybody else in the class with something Bikram had said, and it just felt so strange. I had a weird revulsion to the way it all appeared, from an external point of view. It reminded me at times of The Organization! The P.P.R.!!! Power Through Positive Real Estate!!!! More than once. I'll have to learn to take what is good and disregard superficial similarities to bad images for me.
I suppose more significantly, though... I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST YOGA CLASS TAUGHT BY BIKRAM!!! I want to hug Anika and Eric for preparing me for this. I had this weird suspicion that they were gradually increasing the intensity in our studio of late - and whether or not that was with my impending journey in mind, it worked. I did every pose as best I could. I didn't fall out of standing head to knee, though I couldn't extend... I didn't fall out of standing bow, though I did let myself out twice (I did come back in, though). People were dropping left and right!!! I made the mistake of putting my mat DIRECTLY beneath the heat vent, which was exactly like holding a hair dryer about three to six inches away from the face for two hours. Bikram's classes are LOOOONG. Singing. Stories. Poses randomly held for way long. And I made it! We were so smushed together that the girl in front of me (who was kinda like an evil yoga-snob Sabra) hit me with her leg twice as she fell out of standing bow. It wasn't her fault, she couldn't have avoided me, but the annoyance vibes from her that followed (there was nowhere for me to move, I was hitting people left, right, and behind) were kinda unnecessary. But... NO DRAMA!!!!
However, all of this pales in comparison to the best thing that happened today. Allen - this one's for you. We had the Chief of Medicine of all the UCLA Medical Schools and Hospitals and Extensions come to speak to us about how to prevent hyponutremia (loss of electrolytes) and over/under hydration. He also answered many general medical questions, all with the same basic answer, "this practice, in my medical opinion, works better than anything else I've seen for prevention of sickness and disease and injury". However, there was a lengthy Q&A session following his talk, and people were asking random, bizarre questions about various electrolyte replacement solutions. A woman had her hand up solidly in the back for like three minutes, and when he finally called on her, she just belted out in a slightly weird, loud voice:
Lady: "WHAT ABOUT MANGOSTEEN?"
Dr: "What?"
Lady: "WHAT ABOUT MANGOSTEEN?"
Dr: "I'm sorry, but what do you mean? Mangos? They are a good source of electrolytes, yes."
Lady: "NO, MANGOSTEEN."
Dr: "I'm sorry, I still don't understand".
Then he took the next question. This is the most wonderful thing that could have possibly happened today. OBVIOUSLY the universe congratulating you, Allen, on completing your first yoga class. Namaste, bitches. Namaste.
Bikram is, well, everything everyone proclaimed and warned he would be. He's unbelievable. My first impression of him, to my great surprise, was a combination of, "He's handsome/He's ridiculously fit/He's fucking 60 years old????" Subsequent impressions were:
1. He is wearing snakeskin shoes, a skin tight black lycra t-shirt with silver spirals on the shoulders, and skinny-guy pants.
2. He is wearing a rolex, or something about as shiny.
3. Wow. He really likes to brag. Not that he doesn't have a staggering amount to brag about, but the onslaught of hyperbole and exaggeration (which we were warned about) seems to diminish the impact of the indisputably amazing things that he's done.
4. He is the GREATEST HYPERBOLIST THAT HAS EVER LIVED OR EVER WILL LIVE.
5. Goddamit, I still like him.
Not that I don't want to like Bikram, but this is the weird part about all of this. It feels very... culty. There were moments when I saw myself in the room, nodding in agreement with everybody else in the class with something Bikram had said, and it just felt so strange. I had a weird revulsion to the way it all appeared, from an external point of view. It reminded me at times of The Organization! The P.P.R.!!! Power Through Positive Real Estate!!!! More than once. I'll have to learn to take what is good and disregard superficial similarities to bad images for me.
I suppose more significantly, though... I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST YOGA CLASS TAUGHT BY BIKRAM!!! I want to hug Anika and Eric for preparing me for this. I had this weird suspicion that they were gradually increasing the intensity in our studio of late - and whether or not that was with my impending journey in mind, it worked. I did every pose as best I could. I didn't fall out of standing head to knee, though I couldn't extend... I didn't fall out of standing bow, though I did let myself out twice (I did come back in, though). People were dropping left and right!!! I made the mistake of putting my mat DIRECTLY beneath the heat vent, which was exactly like holding a hair dryer about three to six inches away from the face for two hours. Bikram's classes are LOOOONG. Singing. Stories. Poses randomly held for way long. And I made it! We were so smushed together that the girl in front of me (who was kinda like an evil yoga-snob Sabra) hit me with her leg twice as she fell out of standing bow. It wasn't her fault, she couldn't have avoided me, but the annoyance vibes from her that followed (there was nowhere for me to move, I was hitting people left, right, and behind) were kinda unnecessary. But... NO DRAMA!!!!
However, all of this pales in comparison to the best thing that happened today. Allen - this one's for you. We had the Chief of Medicine of all the UCLA Medical Schools and Hospitals and Extensions come to speak to us about how to prevent hyponutremia (loss of electrolytes) and over/under hydration. He also answered many general medical questions, all with the same basic answer, "this practice, in my medical opinion, works better than anything else I've seen for prevention of sickness and disease and injury". However, there was a lengthy Q&A session following his talk, and people were asking random, bizarre questions about various electrolyte replacement solutions. A woman had her hand up solidly in the back for like three minutes, and when he finally called on her, she just belted out in a slightly weird, loud voice:
Lady: "WHAT ABOUT MANGOSTEEN?"
Dr: "What?"
Lady: "WHAT ABOUT MANGOSTEEN?"
Dr: "I'm sorry, but what do you mean? Mangos? They are a good source of electrolytes, yes."
Lady: "NO, MANGOSTEEN."
Dr: "I'm sorry, I still don't understand".
Then he took the next question. This is the most wonderful thing that could have possibly happened today. OBVIOUSLY the universe congratulating you, Allen, on completing your first yoga class. Namaste, bitches. Namaste.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
It has BEGUN
Wow. This is much more than I thought I was getting myself into... so my WHOLE LIFE is going to change? I thought I was just going to get a nicer stomach and... and... Really, I knew this was about making a big change in my life, I guess it just feels more real now. And we haven't really even started.
When I arrived, there were already several dozen or more people waiting outside - still a half an hour early - and my first reaction was, "I don't belong here. These are those really PHYSICAL people - the dancers, the athletes... there's no computer geeks ANYWHERE!!!" Even though I'm starting to have more of a connection with my physical self, my self image is still that of a non-physical, "stay-inside" type person. As I waited through the next half an hour, more and more and more super fit people showed up (and a few people that looked a bit more like I do...), and I just couldn't believe how many of us there are. 226 people.
We got to hear introductory speeches from everyone, most notably Bikram's wife Rajashree and his daughter, who called her father "a psycho" and then we sung happy birthday to her. We also got a short talk from several of the teachers including Craig, who was very emboldening. He also stressed how those of us (me VERY much included) who don't have the dialog memorized and effortless are going to have difficulty, so though he made me feel stronger with the rest of his talk, the net result is that I'm MORE terrified than I was.
I live with 4 other roommates in a 2 bedroom suite at the Toluca Lake Oakwood Estates, and it's pretty nice, although cramped. I have two roommates Am and Benz (unknown spelling) from Thailand, who insist they would like to cook for us, and I'm sharing a room with two guys, Daniel and Derrick, both American. I don't know very much about them yet, but it feels just like University felt freshman year - all excited, grand imagination about how big/overwhelming/awesome everything's going to be, living in close quarters with total strangers. Of course, now that I know that I am a loud sleeper, I worry for their sanity and whether or not I'll get stabbed or suffocated in my reverberating sleep.
Tomorrow we meet Bikram. He's been suitably overhyped at this point, I'm assuming he'll levitate into the room, and then breathe fire over us while he sprouts dragon wings. Or something like that.
When I arrived, there were already several dozen or more people waiting outside - still a half an hour early - and my first reaction was, "I don't belong here. These are those really PHYSICAL people - the dancers, the athletes... there's no computer geeks ANYWHERE!!!" Even though I'm starting to have more of a connection with my physical self, my self image is still that of a non-physical, "stay-inside" type person. As I waited through the next half an hour, more and more and more super fit people showed up (and a few people that looked a bit more like I do...), and I just couldn't believe how many of us there are. 226 people.
We got to hear introductory speeches from everyone, most notably Bikram's wife Rajashree and his daughter, who called her father "a psycho" and then we sung happy birthday to her. We also got a short talk from several of the teachers including Craig, who was very emboldening. He also stressed how those of us (me VERY much included) who don't have the dialog memorized and effortless are going to have difficulty, so though he made me feel stronger with the rest of his talk, the net result is that I'm MORE terrified than I was.
I live with 4 other roommates in a 2 bedroom suite at the Toluca Lake Oakwood Estates, and it's pretty nice, although cramped. I have two roommates Am and Benz (unknown spelling) from Thailand, who insist they would like to cook for us, and I'm sharing a room with two guys, Daniel and Derrick, both American. I don't know very much about them yet, but it feels just like University felt freshman year - all excited, grand imagination about how big/overwhelming/awesome everything's going to be, living in close quarters with total strangers. Of course, now that I know that I am a loud sleeper, I worry for their sanity and whether or not I'll get stabbed or suffocated in my reverberating sleep.
Tomorrow we meet Bikram. He's been suitably overhyped at this point, I'm assuming he'll levitate into the room, and then breathe fire over us while he sprouts dragon wings. Or something like that.
A quiet day at the beach
My first day back in America. I'm staying at the "Loews" hotel in Santa Monica. It is gigantic and impersonal, but beautiful and shiny as well. It's on the beach, looking out over the ocean, and the weather has been unusually calm. The ocean looks like a mirror. When we were flying in, the ocean was so clear you could see the reflection of the plane below, and see straight into the water to the bottom when it got shallow enough. It made LA look somewhat tropical...
Being back here brings with it all the usual culture shock, which I suppose has ceased to be shocking since it happens every time I return. The place is so BIG, so crowded, so manic, etc. My favorite "America" moment so far has been the commercial for a painkiller on TV. It showed a woman playing tennis, and Mr Voice said, "Alice is a TENNIS ELBOW PAIN SUFFERER" (with a note of disapproval from Mr Voice that anyone should feel pain). Alice says, "When I hit the ball, the pain hits ME". Then the painkiller is introduced - blood red box - and the voice over notes that the effect on pain INCREASES with each dose. A handy graph fills the screen, demonstrating that the amount of pain killing goes UP as you take 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6 doses. Then Alice returns, smiling, and says "After I took PRODUCT, I can't feel the pain!!!". She grinned a bit maniacally and went back to her tennis. There was no opponent. Just balls rocketing towards her from off screen.
But, every complaint must be balanced with appreciation: MEXICAN FOOD. I had huevos rancheros for breakfast as I sat on the balcony and watched the waves crash on the shore, past the boardwalk. And breakfast was SPICY AS HELL. And it was served with perfectly brewed filter coffee that just kept coming. I'm wired as hell - the perfect way to begin yoga boot camp.
I'm still really nervous, and convinced that I won't be able to make it. But there was something I saw yesterday that made me really glad to be here at this time and place learning to be a yoga teacher. There's a sorta "designer yoga" place (not unlike where I did yoga for the first time in Larkspur Landing) called Exhale near the Santa Monica Boardwalk. Meticulously designed, very shiny - expensive yoga clothes for sale in the foyer, and outside, a GIGANTIC SIGN showing a very bouncy dude with a ponytail and the words, in huge block letters, HIP HOP POWER YOGA. I nearly fell over in the street laughing. Sweet.
Last night, while sitting in the hot tub and looking out over the ocean, I met a very friendly guy named "Kyle", who's a freshman at Southern Oklahoma State University, studying Business Management. He was visiting California, for the first time, to see his older brother graduate from Marines Basic Training camp. He had the stereotypical reaction to LA and California, but without the stereotypical disapproval. He seemed genuinely pleased at seeing all these different kinds of people. I was happy that he was so friendly and introduced himself. He wished me luck in my yoga adventure.
3 hours to go...
Being back here brings with it all the usual culture shock, which I suppose has ceased to be shocking since it happens every time I return. The place is so BIG, so crowded, so manic, etc. My favorite "America" moment so far has been the commercial for a painkiller on TV. It showed a woman playing tennis, and Mr Voice said, "Alice is a TENNIS ELBOW PAIN SUFFERER" (with a note of disapproval from Mr Voice that anyone should feel pain). Alice says, "When I hit the ball, the pain hits ME". Then the painkiller is introduced - blood red box - and the voice over notes that the effect on pain INCREASES with each dose. A handy graph fills the screen, demonstrating that the amount of pain killing goes UP as you take 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6 doses. Then Alice returns, smiling, and says "After I took PRODUCT, I can't feel the pain!!!". She grinned a bit maniacally and went back to her tennis. There was no opponent. Just balls rocketing towards her from off screen.
But, every complaint must be balanced with appreciation: MEXICAN FOOD. I had huevos rancheros for breakfast as I sat on the balcony and watched the waves crash on the shore, past the boardwalk. And breakfast was SPICY AS HELL. And it was served with perfectly brewed filter coffee that just kept coming. I'm wired as hell - the perfect way to begin yoga boot camp.
I'm still really nervous, and convinced that I won't be able to make it. But there was something I saw yesterday that made me really glad to be here at this time and place learning to be a yoga teacher. There's a sorta "designer yoga" place (not unlike where I did yoga for the first time in Larkspur Landing) called Exhale near the Santa Monica Boardwalk. Meticulously designed, very shiny - expensive yoga clothes for sale in the foyer, and outside, a GIGANTIC SIGN showing a very bouncy dude with a ponytail and the words, in huge block letters, HIP HOP POWER YOGA. I nearly fell over in the street laughing. Sweet.
Last night, while sitting in the hot tub and looking out over the ocean, I met a very friendly guy named "Kyle", who's a freshman at Southern Oklahoma State University, studying Business Management. He was visiting California, for the first time, to see his older brother graduate from Marines Basic Training camp. He had the stereotypical reaction to LA and California, but without the stereotypical disapproval. He seemed genuinely pleased at seeing all these different kinds of people. I was happy that he was so friendly and introduced himself. He wished me luck in my yoga adventure.
3 hours to go...
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Chaos Reigns
My friend Kevin used to be in a "yoga cult", to use his words. In these last days before my exit, I've been noticing that everything's going crazy. The chaos is mounting, everything is crazy and urgent, and I feel like I won't have time to do all of the things I have to do before I leave, much less spend time with the people I won't be seeing for ten weeks. In response to my frenzied agitation, Kevin wrote me this today:
"When I was in my yoga cult, I took a bunch of retreats. It was like teacher training stuff, but 5 days at a time and over the course of 3 yrs. Every time I was to go to one, things got crazy in my life and there was great difficulty breaking away from it. Every single time, it was weird. I came to regard it as a thing. Like gravity and I was a rocket, and my will was the fuel. Pretty soon you will be on your way and you'll have forgotten all about this, cause it won't matter at all."
I'm comforted by this.
I've been flippantly saying to people this morning, "today is my last day as a visual effects artist". I've only been kidding when I said it, but it also feels like it is partially true. I definitely feel like I'm shedding a skin today. I don't think things will be quite the same when I return.
"When I was in my yoga cult, I took a bunch of retreats. It was like teacher training stuff, but 5 days at a time and over the course of 3 yrs. Every time I was to go to one, things got crazy in my life and there was great difficulty breaking away from it. Every single time, it was weird. I came to regard it as a thing. Like gravity and I was a rocket, and my will was the fuel. Pretty soon you will be on your way and you'll have forgotten all about this, cause it won't matter at all."
I'm comforted by this.
I've been flippantly saying to people this morning, "today is my last day as a visual effects artist". I've only been kidding when I said it, but it also feels like it is partially true. I definitely feel like I'm shedding a skin today. I don't think things will be quite the same when I return.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Less than two days to go.
I'm in my office in Wellington New Zealand. My tiny closet with a view of the ocean through the window that's always covered in shades. Last night I was here until 4:30 am working on shots for a movie. I'm wondering whether or not this is the last of the all night stress attacks over shots for movies. I'm long past the days where I have wished for death because I couldn't make a shot for a surf movie, but not so far gone that I don't still agonize a little bit over whether or not the two seconds of a movie that will be out of the theater in less than a month is just right.
It's thursday, almost 5pm. On saturday, at 1:30pm, I'm flying to Los Angeles to begin (or continue, I suppose) my journey to be certified as a Bikram Yoga Teacher. My practice, particularly the "mental strength" parts, have improved a lot of late, but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm not ready, that it's going to defeat me. I've always been defeated by physical tasks. I'm confident in intellectual pursuits, but when that nausea hits me and I've got no energy, my brain just starts panicking, what are you doing here, what are you doing here...
I'm looking forward to the singularity of focus, though. Having only one thing that I'm doing. Not trying to fit yoga, my loved ones, work, video games, painting, planning another party, all these things into every day.
So, I'm nervous. I'm way over tired. I don't know what to expect, and hope I don't tank.
It's thursday, almost 5pm. On saturday, at 1:30pm, I'm flying to Los Angeles to begin (or continue, I suppose) my journey to be certified as a Bikram Yoga Teacher. My practice, particularly the "mental strength" parts, have improved a lot of late, but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm not ready, that it's going to defeat me. I've always been defeated by physical tasks. I'm confident in intellectual pursuits, but when that nausea hits me and I've got no energy, my brain just starts panicking, what are you doing here, what are you doing here...
I'm looking forward to the singularity of focus, though. Having only one thing that I'm doing. Not trying to fit yoga, my loved ones, work, video games, painting, planning another party, all these things into every day.
So, I'm nervous. I'm way over tired. I don't know what to expect, and hope I don't tank.
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