All over the map.

Today has been an emotional roller coaster. Every time we hear that the Bikram studio is definitely opening again at a certain time - tuesday morning, monday morning - I get that little tiny bit of (clearly illusory) certainty and feel better. After all, I've done 8 yoga classes in 6 days, my body is definitely in some kind of shock, I've got FAR more to think about from Bikram already than I could have absorbed in this amount of time... really, there's nothing missing. I lament the loss of momentum and intensity, but seriously - the days have had plenty of yoga in them.

But then somebody will send me an email saying something like "we just heard that we have to call the studio at 4pm tomorrow, it's maybe again for monday" and my stomach lurches. I can't focus to study my dialogue, I'm sick... I can't breathe through my nose at all, my throat feels burnt, I'm tired but can't sleep... (I have a little bit more whining to do, and then I'll be done). I'm not usually a person who misses my friends in a way that I can't rely on my digital interactions with them for 9 or 10 weeks. But, I think that, without the feeling that there's a concrete reason to be here, and missing my friends who are having hilarious fun having christmas at easter, I just feel like I have nothing.

But big deal! It's only nine weeks! It's only money! Right? But it's not that - it's the thought of losing the change in myself that I was hoping to find here. I don't even know what that change is - if I knew exactly what change I was expecting to find, I think I could do it on my own, without Bikram or this training. I know I want focus. The ability to quiet my mind. A six pack! Good things that come to my mind when I look at myself instead of bad. The ability to levitate? Bikram insists it's simple. Maybe... finally being able to do something with myself to help people? Even if it's a small something. Those all sound like good things, but I don't know - I think whatever the change is is bigger than that - or different - the sum is greater than the parts.

I'm holding my breath. It's the opposite of what I'm learning how to do.