I'm in my office in Wellington New Zealand. My tiny closet with a view of the ocean through the window that's always covered in shades. Last night I was here until 4:30 am working on shots for a movie. I'm wondering whether or not this is the last of the all night stress attacks over shots for movies. I'm long past the days where I have wished for death because I couldn't make a shot for a surf movie, but not so far gone that I don't still agonize a little bit over whether or not the two seconds of a movie that will be out of the theater in less than a month is just right.
It's thursday, almost 5pm. On saturday, at 1:30pm, I'm flying to Los Angeles to begin (or continue, I suppose) my journey to be certified as a Bikram Yoga Teacher. My practice, particularly the "mental strength" parts, have improved a lot of late, but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm not ready, that it's going to defeat me. I've always been defeated by physical tasks. I'm confident in intellectual pursuits, but when that nausea hits me and I've got no energy, my brain just starts panicking, what are you doing here, what are you doing here...
I'm looking forward to the singularity of focus, though. Having only one thing that I'm doing. Not trying to fit yoga, my loved ones, work, video games, painting, planning another party, all these things into every day.
So, I'm nervous. I'm way over tired. I don't know what to expect, and hope I don't tank.