Juice Fast Progress

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Chaos Reigns

My friend Kevin used to be in a "yoga cult", to use his words. In these last days before my exit, I've been noticing that everything's going crazy. The chaos is mounting, everything is crazy and urgent, and I feel like I won't have time to do all of the things I have to do before I leave, much less spend time with the people I won't be seeing for ten weeks. In response to my frenzied agitation, Kevin wrote me this today:

"When I was in my yoga cult, I took a bunch of retreats. It was like teacher training stuff, but 5 days at a time and over the course of 3 yrs. Every time I was to go to one, things got crazy in my life and there was great difficulty breaking away from it. Every single time, it was weird. I came to regard it as a thing. Like gravity and I was a rocket, and my will was the fuel. Pretty soon you will be on your way and you'll have forgotten all about this, cause it won't matter at all."

I'm comforted by this.

I've been flippantly saying to people this morning, "today is my last day as a visual effects artist". I've only been kidding when I said it, but it also feels like it is partially true. I definitely feel like I'm shedding a skin today. I don't think things will be quite the same when I return.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Less than two days to go.

I'm in my office in Wellington New Zealand. My tiny closet with a view of the ocean through the window that's always covered in shades. Last night I was here until 4:30 am working on shots for a movie. I'm wondering whether or not this is the last of the all night stress attacks over shots for movies. I'm long past the days where I have wished for death because I couldn't make a shot for a surf movie, but not so far gone that I don't still agonize a little bit over whether or not the two seconds of a movie that will be out of the theater in less than a month is just right.

It's thursday, almost 5pm. On saturday, at 1:30pm, I'm flying to Los Angeles to begin (or continue, I suppose) my journey to be certified as a Bikram Yoga Teacher. My practice, particularly the "mental strength" parts, have improved a lot of late, but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm not ready, that it's going to defeat me. I've always been defeated by physical tasks. I'm confident in intellectual pursuits, but when that nausea hits me and I've got no energy, my brain just starts panicking, what are you doing here, what are you doing here...

I'm looking forward to the singularity of focus, though. Having only one thing that I'm doing. Not trying to fit yoga, my loved ones, work, video games, painting, planning another party, all these things into every day.

So, I'm nervous. I'm way over tired. I don't know what to expect, and hope I don't tank.