Juice Fast Progress

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Groundhog Day

Every day feels like a copy of some other day. I feel like I'm not having any new experiences - just variations on old ones. I have no new ideas, no greater understanding. The only new thing that happened today is that Bikram may have told me to get rid of my fat stomach, which made me feel like shit. I feel like I've done such a wonderful job of doing the most to change here, and I've already lost 28 pounds, and I just don't feel like I have a fat stomach. But, maybe I'm deluding myself. And, whether I am or not, I shouldn't be fixated on how I look when I know I'm doing my maximum.

I did find that by studying dialog with much more focus and dedication this weekend - just devoting more hours to it, really working hard - totally changed the posture clinic experience from one of stress and disappointment to one of calm and triumph. So, I guess that's a bit of a new experience, but overall, I still feel like we're all in a holding pattern. We're not getting killed by this, but we're not sailing, it's still a rough slog. I've heard a lot about having the pheonix burn down, and being reborn from the ashes, and I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like parts of me, here and there, are burning down and being reborn, but I'm still basically the same.

I guess I just don't feel, today, like I'm any different. I still have panic in every class, even if I don't leave the room because of it. I'm feeling deflated.

But - I know I need to focus outward, not inward. Give what I want to get. That much, at least, I'm learning. I wrote (by HAND, can you BELIEVE IT?) letters to my grandfather (father's father) and my father today. This is something I have NEVER done. Seriously, not once in my life. It was weird. I had to remember how to write a return address. I described the yoga in great detail to my grandfather, with the secret hope (expressed, tactfully, in the letter) that he might consider trying it to help him fight the pain and suffering from his heart disease and diabetes. I'm officially a yoga evangelist. Even though I'm personally a bit worn out by it all.

LET SOMETHING NEW HAPPEN. IDEALLY NOT INVOLVING SEVERE PAIN.

7 comments:

Clo said...

Have you considered that you may not NEED to change that much more? Perhaps from here its a matter of consolidating the parts of you that have been "reborn", and getting comfortable with the complete you.
For the record, I thought you were pretty damn wonderful to begin with, and if you came back to me exactly the same, I'd still be the happiest gal in the world!! :-)

Taisuke said...

i'm not one to talk, but perhaps your boredom/frustration or whatever it is that you're feeling is because you have this expectation that you are supposed to have a sudden revelation? yoga seems to work much like evolution. there are long periods of nothing followed by fits and bursts of change. its all about being patient and knowing that things will happen in good time. (man, its *so* easy to say shit like that. *so* much harder to actually live it, but i'm going to act like i am patience incarnate. *cough*)

as most of the bikram teachers say - no expectations! and, as your lovely girl says - just consider the amount of rebirthing you've done in the last six weeks. there's so much rebirthing i would say there's enough placenta to feed tom cruise for a year!

allen said...

Re: the bikram commentary. When I first went to work at ESC, my first dailies was with ESC's vfx guru, Kim Libreri. The guy is a total trip...short british dude with the filthiest mouth ever. He would exclaim loudly during dailies "What fuckwit submitted this shite? What CHEESE MERCHANT is trying to sell this CHEESE to ME?" and so on. I was terrified of the guy.

Eventually, someone clued me in to the fact that this 'tough guy' crazy persona was just his "bit". It's sort of like when you have a crazy mom (like I do) who yells at you a lot, and eventually you learn where Absolute Zero is with her, and you figure out that the yelling is just her being mildly agitated, so you can dismiss her or make fun of her. That's the approach I eventually took with Kim...when he'd call me a cheese merchant, I'd give him shit about how my Honda Element could stomp the shit out of his pussy Maserati that was in the shop every other week, and he'd get all fired up and go on this huge rant during dailies about how the maserati's clutch is a precision-engineered piece of machinery built for a FUCKING RACE CAR and how it's DESIGNED to give out every 50 miles, so I should shove my Element up my ASS, and then I'd ask him if he liked my fucking lighting or not.

Another example: when I was in college, I had this prof for a 60's literature class. I could not for the LIFE of me figure out what a good 90% of the poetry we read for that class was about. And I'd write a paper on something and he'd trash me and give me a D and tell me I totally missed the point. At the end of the class, he pulled me aside and smiled at me, and said "Of all the people in the class, you came the closest to really 'getting it'". I had no idea what he was talking about...I said "Dude, you gave me a D on eveyr paper I wrote for you." And he said "Yeah. Pissed you off, didn't it?" I agreed that it did. He said "How close were you to ever telling me I was full of shit? Because that's what I wanted to hear. The entire point of this class, of the 60's in general, was challenging authority. Questioning information that people posited as de facto truth. I did that very thing, and I want, every year, for my class to revolt. None of them ever to. You came really, really close though."

So. My point. I think Bikram is a manufactured "bit". He's like Eminem, or Pink. Eminem's not a ghetto thug. No one can write intelligent rhyming schemes like that and by an idiot. Pink isn't some scrapper from Philly, as much as she likes to pretend she is. She's from the fucking burbs. They're manufactured. So is Bikram...you can't take his shit at face value. He's pushing you, and he's doing it via a persona that fires people up. Making fun of gays, calling you fat, no one in their right mind does that shit seriously. He's just trying to push you guys, trying to rile you up.

Push back.

Taisuke said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Taisuke said...

when you're feeling down, just do what this yogi does.

also, pink sucks.

allen said...

Pink may be manufactured but she's hot as balls.

Kris Ardent said...

Hot as balls, eh? That sounds pretty hot. Eminem, also hot as balls.

I vote for pushing back. Isn't his hairline pretty fucked up? Maybe Bikram needs a teacher too.