Every day feels like a copy of some other day. I feel like I'm not having any new experiences - just variations on old ones. I have no new ideas, no greater understanding. The only new thing that happened today is that Bikram may have told me to get rid of my fat stomach, which made me feel like shit. I feel like I've done such a wonderful job of doing the most to change here, and I've already lost 28 pounds, and I just don't feel like I have a fat stomach. But, maybe I'm deluding myself. And, whether I am or not, I shouldn't be fixated on how I look when I know I'm doing my maximum.
I did find that by studying dialog with much more focus and dedication this weekend - just devoting more hours to it, really working hard - totally changed the posture clinic experience from one of stress and disappointment to one of calm and triumph. So, I guess that's a bit of a new experience, but overall, I still feel like we're all in a holding pattern. We're not getting killed by this, but we're not sailing, it's still a rough slog. I've heard a lot about having the pheonix burn down, and being reborn from the ashes, and I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like parts of me, here and there, are burning down and being reborn, but I'm still basically the same.
I guess I just don't feel, today, like I'm any different. I still have panic in every class, even if I don't leave the room because of it. I'm feeling deflated.
But - I know I need to focus outward, not inward. Give what I want to get. That much, at least, I'm learning. I wrote (by HAND, can you BELIEVE IT?) letters to my grandfather (father's father) and my father today. This is something I have NEVER done. Seriously, not once in my life. It was weird. I had to remember how to write a return address. I described the yoga in great detail to my grandfather, with the secret hope (expressed, tactfully, in the letter) that he might consider trying it to help him fight the pain and suffering from his heart disease and diabetes. I'm officially a yoga evangelist. Even though I'm personally a bit worn out by it all.
LET SOMETHING NEW HAPPEN. IDEALLY NOT INVOLVING SEVERE PAIN.