Juice Fast Progress

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Sad, lonely, homesick

I miss home. I miss Clodagh. My friends are dispersing, leaving New Zealand - Trina's gone! Virginia's gone! It feels like the things that made home "home" aren't there anymore. It scares me. Clodagh's leaving for the South Island in a few days, which scares me for some reason - I feel like I'm not part of anything except yoga camp anymore. I don't even feel like I'm part of Weta, or like there's a Weta to be a part of anymore.

I feel like this yoga camp is never going to end. I know that's what everybody feels like right now - I'm right on schedule. That doesn't make this easier. I'm exhausted - EVERYTHING hurts, everything's swollen or in pain - if I move my back or knees even one degree out of alignment, I turn into a big pain machine. I guess this is a cool way of being forced to do the poses with correct form, but it's merciless!

I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life when I get back to New Zealand. I know that I can't continue to work in the same way at Weta - I know that Weta needs to get healthy, as a company, or it'll eat itself alive. It already is, the cracks are showing. But I don't know if that's something I can help to change. I don't know if other people feel similarly about Weta - feel that it's a wonderful, noble institution that has, through neglect not born of malign, become unhealthy. And if they do feel similarly, do they think things can change? Should change? And yet, despite my feeling unable to operate in the same capacity, I still feel like I can guide people when I am asked questions, I feel like my knowledge and wisdom are sharper than ever - my ability to concentrate is orders of magnitude higher than it once was.

I feel HELPLESS! I can't drive myself anywhere, I have no control over anything around me. I know that this is entirely the point, but I hate it - my whole life has been about creating and molding my environment, and now I feel like I have less control than I had when I was a freshman in high school. GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Sigh. I'm just exhausted with all of this. Yoga classes are not even all that difficult anymore - they're challenging, but I'm kinda zombieing through them, just doing what I can but not pushing to my limit, because I have no energy. And I still barely understand what energy is!!!

I'd love to know how to make this panic go away. I asked Luke, one of the teachers, and he answered (somewhat tough-love-ishly, which I understand) that my emotions are not in control of me unless I let them be. Bikram said something similar in lecture the other night - we control our emotions, or at least our responses to them. Surely there's a pose that will fix this - Next is panic-removing-pose.

And, to add to all of this, another confusing tidbit. Bikram gives people nicknames - lamppost, chickenlegs, "idiot", miss pink, miss blue. I answered one of his questions the other night, and he said, "Correct. You must have studied. Give a big hand for (slight pause)... the Jeweler". What?


Kris Ardent said...

Hang in there, Bunny! Most of us are still sitting around New Zealand twiddling our thumbs, awaiting your return. Maybe I should go to the South Island with Clodagh, you know, to keep tabs on her. We should probably take your car, though, for safety.

Oh wait! How about some catchy AA phrases? Easy does it...let go and let god...tomorrow is another day...this too shall pass. Sheet, at least you're not in rehab. It will all be over soon enough. Just put one foot in front of the other until you get there. Or, you could always just go with my first suggestion and just COME HOME already. You are missed by many, and some of us wish you complete and utter failure at this, because we are selfish. Okay, maybe just me.

You'll figure out New Zealand and work once you get here. No sense worrying about it now, unless you're just bored and looking for something to worry about (which is totally understandable).

How do you make the panic go away? Breathe through the nose, I think.

I think "The Jeweler" is from the 14th century allegorical narrative poem entitled "Pearl."

"The maiden emphatically tries to get the jeweler to see eternity and 'life after death' in the correct manner, yet he continues to try and define things literally." -Pearl

The poem is about suffering and how we grieve because we want to (our emotions do not control us), and that it does not grant us special rights. Suffering creates an opportunity for enlightenment, not exemption from further suffering. Oh, and also, love Jesus. But maybe Bikram wasn't talking about the Jesus part. Maybe he was talking about The Jeweler from the unreleased 1994 Fantastic Four movie.

Clo said...

I'm telling ya, he called you the Jeweler because you're so jam-packed full of precious, valuable beauty!! (Or else Kris' answer!!)
Sweetheart please don't worry about me going on my lil travels. You have NOTHING to fear! I'm used to travelling, NZ is a piece o' cake to explore, and I'll be extra safe so that I'll be back here to pick you up from the airport. I promise!
I think you got a bit of a knock from the yoga truck--it was bound to happen, and as you already know, is part of your experience. Its not true that you're not part of anything else anymore--we still talk lovingly about you so much over here, that you might as well be here! We love youuuuuu!!!
Nice subtle suggestion bout the car, Kris!! Ya, you should come!! Obvi!!! (see I'm learnin'!!)

Kris Ardent said...

Aimee! Are you out there Aimee? Look at that! Please tell Tony I'm spreading "Obvi" to New Zealand, to Ireland, and BEYOND.

allen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Taisuke said...

in me aerial course, my teacher calls me 'idaho'. what the fuck? i wanna be 'the jeweler'! you can have 'idaho' instead! what's bikram's email address?

Joe Ardent said...

You are sorely missed, my friend, by us and by Weta. Chris Young said yesterday, "I wish Chris would come back and make it all better." But putting Weta aside, we miss you a lot. I can't wait until June. Also, you've got four weeks left. I'm willing to bet that towards the end, you'll wonder how it went so fast. I guarentee that within a week of returning here, you'll feel as though no time has passed at all.

Also, I had a realization about your Clodagh-South-Island anxiety: she'll be less accessible, because you guys won't be able to chat online. She probably won't be reading your blog as frequently. Don't worry. I'm amazed at how strong your bond is.

Clo said...

I think you might be right there Joe, plus I wont be able to phone as much either...BUT the upshot of all that is that it'll give Chris more time to practice his dailogue (time I have been fiendishly stealing!), so he'll be less anxious going in to class, reports of "rockingt dat shiiit" will be more frequent, and the next three and a half weeks will pass all the easier!! Yay!

Clo said...


This is your new name, created by the lovely Brenda!! Has a nice ring to it, dont ya think?!

Kris Ardent said...

Yeah, Clo, you're just holding him back. Get ye to the South Island already so he can have some peace! :p